HOME

BY-LAWS

GOALS

by Larry Tucker

The Private Lives of Hostas 

     What do we see in hostas? Is there some special attraction that compels dirt dobbers like us to bow down and worship this plant?

     Hmm! There are no simple answers, but after years of observation, let me knock my noggin, unscramble what brain cells I have left and take a crack at this conundrum.

     First, we see a plant that’s reliably hardy in most parts of temperate North America (not to mention Europe and Asia). Second, the plant is incredibly easy to grow (with a few exceptions) for six to eight months. Third, it’s shade-tolerant (hostas demand a healthy dose of sun, too). Fourth, the genus offers wildly different sizes (leaves can be as small as a snail or as big as a Thanksgiving platter). Fifth, hosta foliage comes in myriad shapes (these geometric examples also are flat, wavy, cupped, domed). Sixth, leaf substance/texture is diverse (supple, stiff, dull, glossy, puckered, waxy). Seventh, the plant grows in a spectrum of colors (as long as chlorophyll and natural sugars abound). Eighth, lilylike flowers, some scented, are alluring (finally, sex education).

     But, of course, you know all this. What you don’t know is “the rest of the story,” as Paul Harvey, radio’s Methusalah, would say. With hostas, beauty really is skin deep, and what’s under that façade may disgust you.

     Just like us, hostas have personalities with distinct traits, many of which aren’t revealed until you’ve lived with them and known them intimately. Outwardly, they may be charming, loving and giving, while in their private lives, they’re frumpy, dumpy and grumpy. I’ve had hostas (and I still abide a few) with obnoxious character flaws that would shame a shaman.

     Take ‘Greta’ (a.k.a. ‘Great Expectations’). Please! Have you ever seen such pulchritude? With sunny face and voluptuous body clothed in blue, green and white, she’s ravishing! But if you don’t give her the perfect home with all the comforts befitting her beauty, she’ll leave.

     ‘June’, on the other hand, will adapt to her surroundings. Golden or green, this gorgeous gal wears a happy face and subdues the blues. She soaks up adoration and returns it fourfold.

     ‘Big Mama’ is the queen of the garden, but don’t ever share her authority. She’s a mother hen in the midst of men – until competition sashays into town and sings the blues. Then, with her coarse personality, she self-destructs.

     ‘Big Daddy’ is another story. Oblivious to hierarchy, he revels in his role as garrulous gadabout and resident curmudgeon. His roots run deep. When young Turks muscle their way onto his turf, he survives as one of the gang.

     ‘Pandora’s Box’ is a dainty dilettante who delights in diminuitive décor. Her petite pot is the perfect pedestal. She loves attention and eats up sweet nothings (bring bonbons on a tiny tray). Just don’t bring up her shady past because she might die of embarrassment.

     Though ‘Allan P. McConnell’ may not get press like dashing dandies with flashy foliage, this gentleman has been around for 25 years and is a solid citizen wherever he goes. He’s full of himself, but don’t let that fool you. A mini, he stands tall, taking on all assignments.

     So what do hostas see in us? Oops! Their eyes have found our foibles.

     Hosta la vista!

(Published June 1, 2005, in the Hosta Hotline newsletter)