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by Larry Tucker

Mulch Maiden of Memphis 

     “Have you stopped beating your wife?”

     There’s no way I can win that, so I might as well be truthful. The answer is no. But my defense is Shari’s compulsion for self-abuse.

     When it comes time to get down and dirty, groveling in the garden, she’s a glutton for punishment. She knows what she wants and won’t quit until she has satisfied every whim and whimsy. Though we moved to the burbs last year, she hasn’t relinquished her reign as the Mulch Maiden of Memphis.

     A new garden requires mucho mulch to maintain moisture, especially when shade plants are thrust into the sun. Ever since our move, I’ve been scrambling to invent shade. Finally, I’m happy to report, all of our trees, shrubs, hostas and assorted companions are being well-fed and watered in their new digs. Best of all, neighbors have stopped grumbling about the black plastic pots strewn around our yard. Now, however, they mutter about my mulch wagon trucking filthy loads past their sterile yards of clean, green grass around the ubiquitous tree erupting from a “mulchcano.”

     There’s no way to develop gardens and stay clean – unless, of course, you hire staff to do the dirty deed. And with so many mulches on the market nowadays, one must consult the network of gardeners or test to find the best. Over the years, Shari and I have done both.

     When we mulch, we first put down several layers of newspaper to block weeds. In a year or so, moisture-laden newsprint decomposes. Shari fired me from this job. As a newspaper editor, I couldn’t resist reading the news.   

     The Tuckers have used tons of double-hammered hardwood mulch. Spread an inch deep, it keeps soil moist and degrades slowly. We favor brown. Coal-colored black mulch leaves an indelible stain on your hands and clothes. Red mulch clashes with the plants.

     Another favorite is finely chopped pine bark, bagged and sold as a soil conditioner/ moisture maximizer. It breaks down into soil in a couple seasons, but it floats in heavy rain.

     When available, pine straw is great. Again, it’s lightweight and may float or blow, but a thick mat keeps the ground damp. Best of all, the sharp needles deter hosta-hungry slugs.

     Other wood mulches, such as cypress and cedar, do the job. Also, sawdust and shavings, but those recyclables rob the soil of nitrogen.

     Agricultural leftovers have their place. In the South, cottonseed hulls and gin trash are effective for a while, as are peanut shells and ground corncobs. In the North, walnut shells and cranberry vines trap moisture. Cocoa bean hulls make an attractive, long-lasting mulch. They offer fine texture and add nitrogen to the soil. But they stink in rain. And they contain Theobromine, an ingredient used in chocolate, which is toxic to dogs (puppies eat anything).

     If organics aren’t essential, you can mulch with stones, which sustain heat. Or you might try oyster shells, which work like lime and raise soil pH. Or recycled rubber tire chips.

     Whatever your choice, mulch can reduce you to your knees. My yard slave collapsed into bed the other night and dreamed that daughter Becky, after scolding her mother, came by and carefully mulched every shelf in the refrigerator. Hosta la vista!

(Published June 1, 2006, in the Hosta Hotline newsletter)